


the meaning of betrayal

by Anonymous



Series: the loneliest nights are keeping me awake [1]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Exile, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), For funsies, Homesickness, Hurt, Introspection, all lowercase baby thats right i wrote this on a bus, made smp earth canon, season 2 ending on a high note was poggers idc, this is also a month old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:08:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28928562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: he knows how it starts (with a nation, a plea, liberation) and he knows how it ends (death, respawn, death, respawn, again and again and again and again-).
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: the loneliest nights are keeping me awake [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2183145
Kudos: 69
Collections: Anonymous





	the meaning of betrayal

tommy knew betrayal like the back of his hand. like it were an old friend, introverted, quiet, far until not. betrayal lives like a constant ache, a chronic injury of which the only symptom is hardened eyes and a cracked heart. the way his fists clench when he sees eret, stands straighter when ghostbur's around. the way he has to remember to breathe when he hears tubbo's name. betrayal is fickle, personal, a different definition for everyone it touched. for tommy, betrayal was "it was never meant to be", it was "let's blow that motherfucker to smithereens," it was "i was never on your team". betrayal was unsynced energy, betrayal was hiding, betrayal was not understanding, betrayal was running away, betrayal was tubbo and tubbo and tubbo and "detain and escort tommy out-"

betrayal was inevitability, more inevitable than death and respawn and living and breathing and dying, once more. from those that stung less ( _"-you joined the_ antartic- ") to those that made tommy stop, pause, take a moment to take in his hands and wonder ("- _is it me is it me is it me is it all my fault am i bad am i good am i am i help me help i cant take this-_ "). betrayal was a compass, one not necessary before but needed now. betrayal was the dulling loneliness that seeped into his bones like a quick-working venom (an unfortunate side effect of being more human than most - his attatchments stitched beneath his skin and into it, unable to be removed). 

tommy knows betrayal, can almost look it directly in it's eyes and scream ( _if only_ ). he knows how it looks, how it feels, how it sounds. he knows how it starts ( _with a nation, a plea, liberation_ ) and he knows how it ends ( _death, respawn, death, respawn, again and again and again and again-_ ). betrayal used to mean nothing and now it is everything, all consuming and tommy still can't build walls around his heart, still wants to trust and so he does and so (- _he falls_ ) and he doesn't stop and he doesn't learn ( _refuses to learn refuses to grow, can't- not now_ ) 

tommy has known betrayal for years now, has had its vines curled around his head for years but until now they've never pulled so hard, never felt like they were trying to climb inside and rot his brain and take his body and eat his heart but now it's all he knows and it's all he feels and he grows wearier and quieter, more fearful, more tired. 

his fingertips are cold and his hair is long and the sea is as good at washing away dirt and grime as it is the ache in tommy's chest. he scrubs until he's a ripped a hole clean through his only shirt, scrubs until the colours fade to white, scrubs until his hands are numb and his arms ache and his head droops and his mind slows and it's then that he stops, that he looks god in the eye with more vitrol than one so beaten should be able to. it's then that he picks himself from the sandy beach and thinks of his discs ( _t_ _ubbo, he thinks of tubbo, he thinks of home and the compass that points to it_ ) it's then that he plans and he screams and he sleeps before waking and feeling nothing but the weight of another day cruelly pressing down on his ribs. 

they say absence makes the heart grow fonder but tommy thinks that's bullshit ("- _rule number one, tubbo-"_ ). his heart is no more fond than before, only surrounded by half built walls that only stop him from falling deeper. he's as susceptible to betrayal as ever ( _he's still Tommy, he's still him after all_ ) and some days he thinks about ranboo and "he's not selfish" and the mail box previously hidden deep within the branches of Tommy's Christmas tree ( _be_ _trayal?_ ) that now lies beneath his bed ( _no_ ) and he laughs and wonders how he'll be fucked over this time. he doesn't want to be, would give anything ( _cat, in tubbos enderchest, mellohi, in skeppy’s_ ) not to be, but what was that about inevitability? the tides of betrayal that are forever crashing into him?

but, tommy is nothing if not persistent, with the meaning of resilience melted into his blood. his heart that refuses to close is still beating and tubbo has a compass and he's still here, still alive, still fighting ( _slowly giving in, but never giving up, not yet, not now_ ) and while betrayal walks on equal pathing to tommy, chases him incessantly, he looks beyond it, gazing on a far-off horizon so bittersweet he could cry. one day, perhaps, hed outrun the devil sitting by his shoulder. one day, maybe, it wouldn't be such an inevitability and he'd breathe easy and trust easy and love easy and live easy once more. one day he wouldn't taste the ash-like guilt that lay beneath his tongue when he sat in the dying rays of sunlight.

for now, however, he grips ( _your tubbo-_ ) in his hand and closes his eyes and waits.

**Author's Note:**

> only a small percentage of people reading actually leave kudos so if you liked this please please im desperate i have a family i have kids pleas-


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